So I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for this collegiate crap. If any of us really are.
We're pumped out of these institutions in batches, numbers on our foreheads, like a factory producing the next generation of "Civilized" persons. These relics of the industrial revolution continue to run in much the same way as they always have, in spite of cultural and social changes that have continued around it.
Ever since I can remember I've sat in a desk and listened to what mother culture whispers in my ear. Teachers and professors that don't seem to care either way if we fail or pass, and yet we continue taking out loans and applying to scholarships that we don't have a chance in hell in getting, and attending or not attending classes in an effort to gain this seemingly unattainable thing that will magically make our lives infinitely better.
What about now? What about today? Am I happy today? Was I happy yesterday? We live our lives constantly in the future, planning on how we WILL be happy one day. Why can't "someday" be today? What can I do to be happy today?
All our lives we've had to fit into our various roles, placed into categories, and labeled, told what to do, where to stand, what to say. I don't remember being taught what brought happiness, it was described, always described but never told how to find happiness. What if doing nothing makes me happy? Are we all striving to fulfill someone else's idea of happiness rather than our own? Am I influenced by the happiness of others?
I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of this city, of living in one place. I want to be someplace else. I am ready to get on with my life and do what makes me happy. I want to travel the world. I want to climb a mountain in India and see the temple with monkeys, I want to visit the Great Wall of China, and the temples in Tibet. I want to meet new people of different cultures and learn from them. Why can't I start now?
Because I still have another year and a half before I can call myself a college graduate. I've been taught I must have that title to even have a chance at living a good life.
It's BULLSHIT, but I'm too close to give up now.
So someday, I'll be able to be happy, even if today just sucks.
Which it does.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Dark Day's Ponderings
So...I don't really know what is going on. I've felt strange all day, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Strike that, I get this feeling from time to time, so I can't say I haven't ever felt this way before. Actually its been an almost constant underlying feeling ever since I can remember. I have never been able to figure out what causes it.
I have my conjectures, of course.
1. Somehow, being a product of my generation no doubt, I feel removed from something. Like I've lost something, I don't think any of us really understand how, but its just not there. A missing piece; a connection to something that is always just beyond our grasp, never knowing what IT is. Like chickens with no heads, each of us scurry to find our way, when in all honesty the truth lies within.
2. A piece of our world has been hidden from us, hidden in plain view. With each passing generation we remove ourselves that much further from our original Mother: Earth. We see the trees, planted here or there for the aesthetics of it, but do we feel them? Do you know the smell of rain before it comes? Can you hear what the wind whispers in your ear? How can any of us be expected to feel whole when that from which we came is denied us? I yearn for the black of night if only for the fulfilling sight of the night sky. I long to feel bare feet against the dusty mountain trails. I miss the sound of silence in an empty clearing. I can no longer feel the beat of Mother Earth and my soul is hollow without it.
But none of this heals the ache in my chest. The desperate need to be whole driving relentlessly forward, leaves me kneeling beneath the weight of it. It never fades, never weakens, never goes unnoticed. I have never known a world with out it but I KNOW that something is wrong. How to fill this void is anyone's guess.
Strike that, I get this feeling from time to time, so I can't say I haven't ever felt this way before. Actually its been an almost constant underlying feeling ever since I can remember. I have never been able to figure out what causes it.
I have my conjectures, of course.
1. Somehow, being a product of my generation no doubt, I feel removed from something. Like I've lost something, I don't think any of us really understand how, but its just not there. A missing piece; a connection to something that is always just beyond our grasp, never knowing what IT is. Like chickens with no heads, each of us scurry to find our way, when in all honesty the truth lies within.
2. A piece of our world has been hidden from us, hidden in plain view. With each passing generation we remove ourselves that much further from our original Mother: Earth. We see the trees, planted here or there for the aesthetics of it, but do we feel them? Do you know the smell of rain before it comes? Can you hear what the wind whispers in your ear? How can any of us be expected to feel whole when that from which we came is denied us? I yearn for the black of night if only for the fulfilling sight of the night sky. I long to feel bare feet against the dusty mountain trails. I miss the sound of silence in an empty clearing. I can no longer feel the beat of Mother Earth and my soul is hollow without it.
But none of this heals the ache in my chest. The desperate need to be whole driving relentlessly forward, leaves me kneeling beneath the weight of it. It never fades, never weakens, never goes unnoticed. I have never known a world with out it but I KNOW that something is wrong. How to fill this void is anyone's guess.
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